Doesn't feel good when you run into an ex- and there are no regrets? not one moment when you say "damn he looks good and i wonder does he ever..." (yeah just like Ne-yo in that old video for ''do you" ) and on a sidenote, how in the hell did she know which phone booth in the desert he made the call from? if you haven't ever seen the video, get yourself some bizness and check it out!
oh, where was i? oh yeah, no regrets. i ran into an old boyfriend on the subway platform yesterday. how fitting, being as though our shiznit was a trainwreck from start to finish. Let's call him "M". M was the epitome of tall dark and handsome. you want to know how i KNOW i had never felt this way about anyone before?
IT WASN'T ABOUT THE SEX. i don't even remember much about it. but ask me something about what he thinks or how he feels about any random subject. i bet i can tell you in vivid detail. M was not all bad. he was intelligent and funny. he was the first man who i ever felt always told me the truth. i never doubted him (yall see where this is going, right?). we were talking about marriage a week into the "relationship". i was a different desperate mess back then. and he probably could smell the play-doh in my head. i felt like i needed to be molded, shaped, formed and reborn in his image. the man... not Jesus, i was sick!
he picked me up from work from day one, let me drive his car, hold his ATM card, meet his kids (all 6 of them...) all the bogus ish you tell yourself means he trusts you, he wants you. and most importantly he TALKED. he loved to share, always wanted to know what i was thinking, how i was feeling. i was ridiculously smitten within days. My Friends Hated Him. of course they did. "he was too deep", they "couldn't relate to him", they"didn't want me to be happy". so what does Hatina' the nut do?
stay away from her friends!
all i need is M. he is my husband. my future. i used to pray i would get pregnant by this man. I swear if thats not a sign that God knows what is best for us, nothing is.
M's mother even said "yall are togther more than MARRIED people". when we weren't working, we were together. ALL THE TIME! M's big thing was self reflection. knowing yourself, finding yourself, discovering your divine purpose. i think he thought his divine purpose was to drill this into me until i REALIZED that there was something wrong with me. i didn't share! i avoided questions! i was so uncomfortable talking about myself! what was i hiding? why wasn't i happier with me? i didn't know whether i was coming or going. and then on Thanksgiving he told me he didn't want to be my anything. not my friend, not my boyfriend, nothing. he didn't want to keep "having to tell me what to do". he had "been where i was and had grown past it and didn't want to revisit it".
can i tell you something in me curled up into a ball and died that night?
2 days later he asked was i still going to spend the weekend in Delaware with he and his brother and his brother's girl. his words, "Charles (his bro.) wants to know if you are still going with us?" i said didn't you tell him? he said no, and you can still go. (drum roll please...)
so i went. and i brought a book with me. we chilled. we barely talked, but we danced late one night to "Summer Rain" by Carl Thomas. Everytime i hear that song i think of "M". on the ride home, we had a horrible argument because he said i was excluding myself the whole weekend because i was reading.
but that wasn't the end. i spoke to him in January on his birthday. then nothing. one night in April there is a knock on my door. it's M. and i am honestly UN-enthused. he says"Man (his best friend) was asking about you and i was like we are right by here house so we came to see you" i'm like O...K.
So i go downstairs. There is Mann, my boy, i really liked him. he is soo f-ing cool. M is in the trunk doing something. so i get in and start talking to his friend. Mann is like "why you do my boy like that, you know he loves you."
he told you i quit him? Mann is looking at me like i am a certified nut... he was like yeah. i said he is such a coward. your boy told me he didn't want to be my ANYTHING anymore. now it's Mann's turn to look confused. he was like all that nigga does is TALK ABOUT YOU. (in hindsight, was this the set-up? if it was i was falling for it hook-line-and sinker)
fastforward>>> i rode with M to take Mann home. on the way back he pulls over and has a mini-breakdown. his life is a wreck. he had to leave his job. someone he thought was his friend turned out not to be. his soon was suffering in school. blah Blah and BLAH. i sit and listen in silence. he misses me. he is sorry. he knows he was tripping. he drinks too much. he thinks we are SUPPOSED to be together. blah Blah and BLAH.
so i am a sucker, i am his shoulder, i let him come in, cuddle, spend the night. before we fall asleep he says, "let's get married". i say, "M you have never even said you love me". he says "you should know how i feel". i say "if you wanna marry me, you should be able to say it". and he didn't say it. maybe it was because i was sleepy, but i was strong for a minute. in the bright light of day though, i was rethinking it. the next day we did our old sunday routine, went to the farmers market. got some fried fish and strawberry lemonade and had a lil picnic at the park (i told yall it was good sometimes). i say, "did you mean what you said last night about getting married?" he says "you already answered the question so it doesn't matter anymore." end of discussion
he takes me home and i don't see or hear from him for another 5 months.
that July 2002, my daddy passed away. he liked M. we even had taken a couple road trips down to Central VA to visit my Dad. and they clicked. so i knew he would want to know he died. but i couldn't reach him. couldn't find him. left messages with his mom, never called me back. soof course because i was a pressed obsessed BI-ATCH, it became MANDATORY that i tell him. i kept calling. it was an obsession.
i finally caught up with M. it was September (yes, SEPTEMBER) and i called his mom's prepared to hear the same ol' but she was like hold on.
he gets on, "hello"
me: what's up?
M: ummm, hey whats going on?
(voices in the background)
me: are you busy?
M: uh, hold on.
(muffled voices in the background)
M: yeah, T? ummm, i don't stay here anymore.
me: oh, you moved, i have been trying to get in contact with you becaus..
(he cuts me off)
M: i got married
(i COULD NOT BREATHE!)
M: In July.
(ohmigod, he asked me in april and why did i say no, and who is it, and why is he married and i am about to die and i have a headache and i can't breathe and why did i say no and whats wrong with me and .... you get the jist of what was going thru my head while tears are pouring from my eyes and i am a snotty, slobbering mess)
me: so who is it
(just knowing it was a baby momma)
M: you don't know her
(why do i feel like i am being stabbed repeatedly with a blunt object?)
me: oh.... well i just wanted to tell you Daddy died, i thought you would wanna know.
(trying to rush off the phone now)
M: oh baby i am so sorry to hear that. when?
M: well why...?
(i cut him off by hanging up.)
and that was the last conversation i had with him until Monday when i saw him on the metro looking EXACTLY the same way he did 5 years ago. i thought i would feel animosity or apprehension. but i didn't. it is what it is and i know i had to experience M to get to this plateau in my life. yes, i am single but i have no complaints. i can say i am happy. i have my kids and my friends and my family and my work and i am good.
M on the other hand is "of course" not married anymore. and back living with his mom. we had a long detailed conversation Monday night, because of course he gave me his number so we could go out "to lunch or dinner or something".ok thats the story that spawned this poem:
u and me
I am gonna tell u
that thing u r supposed 2 b about?
until we r talking about
I ain't gonna tell u
bcuz u said
u would never do that 2 me
I am gonna b real
knowing that the chances I take
r just that
a toss up
as 2 whether
u will b u
when u always want me 2 b me
when I am not being
the me that u want me 2 b
or rather the me u think I should b
which is kinda funny
bcuz u r NEVER u
at least not the u that I met
that day when I was being enuf of myself 2 get u 2 notice me
but 2 let u tell it now I wasn't being myself at all
so u say
so until u can trust
the me that I am now
not the me I was when
u were not the u that u r now
but were the u that wanted me 2 think that u were
the u that u wanna b
I will just continue
2 grow n 2 the me
that is not enuf me 4 u
and until u can accept this me
the real me
which I know u can't
even tho I love u
n whatever form u choose 2 take
u cannot love me 4 me
I cannot change me 4 u
I can only b the best me
that I can b
and if u can't b with me
then I guess
this me will go on
and u will lose
the best me 4 u
u ever had