Reality Check

I’m still checking for you
hoping for you
wishing good things for you
praying for you

My brain says,
“I am a good person.”
My heart says,
“I love you.”
My spirit says,
“I am kind and forgiving.”
My soul says,
“I know what I felt was real.”

no matter
that what you said
was in complete opposition
to what you did
I thought what we had was special
unique
sacred
real
maybe the reality
is
what I had was special
and what you had
wasn’t much at all

I gave love
you accepted in its many forms
kisses and hugs
meals and massages
carnal acts
and selfless ones
I got no return

when all was lost
I held you down
and lifted you up
Simultaneously
I was Superwoman
but when my turn came
I was set adrift
struggling and flailing
for an anchor
against the waves of ambivalence

when you felt the world was using you
as a punching bag
beating your spirit
into a mess of wounded flesh
I used my hands
to caress
my heart
to massage
my words
to ease
my body
to soothe
all the bitterness
all the pain
away
but when I came to you
as a casualty of life’s war
your caustic tone
and abrasive verbiage
cut quick and deep
leaving me bloodier
than I was to begin with

the promises you made
the dreams we had
of a beautiful life together
disintegrated
into the rubble of ugly words
petty gestures
and lies
Lies so heavy, so massive
crushing the fragile nature
of our tenuous situation
Leaving me like a real-life
Cinderella
wallowing in ashes
and as I shake the gray dust from my hair
from my clothes
as I stand to sweep it from beneath
my feet

I’m still checking for you
hoping for you
wishing good things for you
praying for you

My brain says,
“I am a good person.”
My heart says,
“I love you.”
My spirit says,
“I am kind and forgiving.”
My soul says,
“I know what I felt was real.”

© 2007 Tenay