rainy day rambling

how could such a beautiful day like yesterday be followed by the dreggish, funky, rainy today?

i'm blown.

sitting at work.

not working (obviously).

i work for an organization that offers help to homeless individuals and families or those on the brink of homelessness. we are into PREVENTION.

so a client came in this morning. she needed assistance because her electric had been turned off.

she was african american, lightskinned, average height and weight, carrying a few weeks old baby in a receiving blanket. when she came in the receptionist called back to my coworker who processes utility assistance and said "there is this lady out here with TEN kids". i was like "she has to be exaggerating, right?" my coworker is leery about going out to the waiting area. i'm like "i'll go look." i peek out there, come back. i see the woman, the baby and about 4 little kids. i tell my cubicle mate "it's like FOUR." so she comes back. she is way worried about all the kids in the play area, so i say i'll sit out there til she's done getting processed. well to my surprise (and dismay) i count 1-2-3-4-5-6-PLUS the receptionist says the two oldest ones are "outside" (doing WHAT in the RAIN? is my thought process, but ok...) the ages are like maybe 3,5,7,8,9,11... something like that. the big kids? 15 and 17. PLUS the new baby. all i'm thinking is , "Baby what are you going to do?" the 3 y.o. has on a coat my 11 year old could fit, NO EXAGGERATION. sleeves to the floor. the baby has on no coat that i can see just a sleeper and wrapped up. the little 5 y.o. boy has on his pajamas. my heart is going out to her, because i know it has to be hard and i am listening to her tell my coworker her story and she is staying in a shelter because the electric is off and she is talking about how people LOOK at her because of all the children etc. etc. but all i'm thinking is "WHY WOULD YOU HAVE ANOTHER BABY!?!?!?"

but then i have to think clinically and know that she is probably in some stage of depression. as black folks - we all are for the most part. she needs help and just not this kind of "get you out of immediate dire situation" assistance we are offering. i mean counseling and mentoring and parenting skills and budgeting and EVERYTHING! What is she going to do? and i can't stop thinking about her... and all the sisters out here like her. folks are SO quick to judge, you know? i know i'm probably doing it while empathizing at the same time.

here i am struggling with the THREE kids i have, working everyday, battling my depression, exposing my artiste to the world, raising my family, nurturing myself AND my children, getting a part-time job, looking into going back to school, fledgling relationship... etc. but i have a little education and may have been exposed to some things that she may not have been. so what's the solution? where does the dialogue start? this is the main reason i want to start my own non profit, a place for struggling families to get that "everything else". housing folks ain't the solution for homelessness. helping them get the tools they need to be independent and healthy is...

i thought this was a ramble... but i guess i had something on my mind after all. ciao

observations...

Riding the Bus thru Chinatown

We are
Dreadlocked Nubian
Shaggy blonde woman
Purple-haired boys on bikes
Pierced and tattooed Indian
Brown black and asian
We are
Every man
And no man
Wealthy attorney
Homeless veteran
Opposite/equal
Victim and oppressor
Moving moving moving
Waiting waiting waiting
We are
Breathless
Never stopping
Forever shopping
Consuming
Partaking
Dreaming
Scheming
Laughing
Lying
Living
Giving less
Taking more
We are
Fake smiles after a day of working
Frowns while we play
Never happy nor satisfied
Chasing that entertainment “high”
The air is filled with music
Pulsing beeping blaring from
Sherbet colored cell phones
Blinking blue lights flashing
America’s personal EKG
“can you hear me now?”
Can you see me?
Feel me?
Touch me?
We are
Speeding by
Candy painted eco friendly vehicles
With TV screens in headrests
Originality?
Scarce commodity
Art? No.
Shoveling soggy handfuls of scripted insanity
Labeled R-E-A-L-I-T-Y programming
Down our collectively parched gullets
Overly seasoned with commercials
Featuring prizes to games
We can’t afford to play
But dying to be a part of
Forcing us to quench our thirst
With more brine- and booze-soaked
Social commentary
Also known as the 6 o’clock news
The bus stops here
We are
Home.

© Hatina’ N. Covington 3-25-2008

Reality Check

I’m still checking for you
hoping for you
wishing good things for you
praying for you

My brain says,
“I am a good person.”
My heart says,
“I love you.”
My spirit says,
“I am kind and forgiving.”
My soul says,
“I know what I felt was real.”

no matter
that what you said
was in complete opposition
to what you did
I thought what we had was special
unique
sacred
real
maybe the reality
is
what I had was special
and what you had
wasn’t much at all

I gave love
you accepted in its many forms
kisses and hugs
meals and massages
carnal acts
and selfless ones
I got no return

when all was lost
I held you down
and lifted you up
Simultaneously
I was Superwoman
but when my turn came
I was set adrift
struggling and flailing
for an anchor
against the waves of ambivalence

when you felt the world was using you
as a punching bag
beating your spirit
into a mess of wounded flesh
I used my hands
to caress
my heart
to massage
my words
to ease
my body
to soothe
all the bitterness
all the pain
away
but when I came to you
as a casualty of life’s war
your caustic tone
and abrasive verbiage
cut quick and deep
leaving me bloodier
than I was to begin with

the promises you made
the dreams we had
of a beautiful life together
disintegrated
into the rubble of ugly words
petty gestures
and lies
Lies so heavy, so massive
crushing the fragile nature
of our tenuous situation
Leaving me like a real-life
Cinderella
wallowing in ashes
and as I shake the gray dust from my hair
from my clothes
as I stand to sweep it from beneath
my feet

I’m still checking for you
hoping for you
wishing good things for you
praying for you

My brain says,
“I am a good person.”
My heart says,
“I love you.”
My spirit says,
“I am kind and forgiving.”
My soul says,
“I know what I felt was real.”

© 2007 Tenay

Live Again

every word
every lyric
every thought
reminiscent of this him
love lost
but now i'm found
by myself
but more
whole than
that life
with him

beautiful phrases
flow effortlessly
like song
like sunlight
like love
like life
melodic and
bright and
unapologetic and
fulfilled... again.

© 9/13/2007 Tenay

Imagery

The intricacies
of her mind
mask
the intimacies of her heart

Thought processes spurned
burn holes in the fabric
of her love life

The wind blows
and ashes take flight
contaminating
the atmosphere

As she struggles
for precious breath.

You Make Me Wanna

“you make me wanna leave the one I’m wit,
start a new relationship wit you”

yeah that’s what Usher said
but how about you make me wanna go get one
to be with
that don’t wanna be with me
and then I wanna meet you
just so I can see what I’m missing
and start listening to Usher sing
and have second thoughts
and leave the one I’m with
to start a new relationship with you

you make me wanna
walk 10 blocks outta my way
to see this or that
or nothing at all
just because you think I should

you make me wanna lay and play
and talk and not talk
and kiss and hug all day
“erryday”

you make me wanna
get my mind right and get my soul right
so your spirit will have a soft place to be right
you make me wanna
love the one I’m with
and not settle for less
and soak up some bliss
with you and in you and for you and thru you

you make me wanna
feed you and drink you
give you massages
and read you passages from my favorite books
cook for you
and grow old with you
sing you corny songs
and spend rainy days outside with you

“you make me wanna leave the one I’m wit,
start a new relationship wit you”

yeah that’s what Usher said
but how about you make me wanna go get one
that don’t want me not really
and then I wanna meet you
just so I can see what I’m missing
and start listening to Usher sing
and have second thoughts
and leave the one I’m with
to start a new relationship with you

you make we wanna
cry over you and fight with you
and make up with you
all night

you make me wanna
comfort you
and take care of you
give you strength when you feel weak
hold your secrets under lock and key
you make me wanna
give you my heart

you make me wanna start a “new” relationship
with myself
so my “me” time is our time
and our meantime
is all the time

you make me wanna
play you the video that is my life
then erase it and begin again with you as my co-star
rewrite the credits
and give them all to you
put on a show
for today
for tomorrow
forever

you make me wanna
call you all the time
call you my sunshine
my light
my earth
my center
my gravitational pull
my universe

“you make me wanna leave the one I’m wit,
start a new relationship wit you”

yeah that’s what Usher said
but how about you make me wanna go get one
that don’t want me not really
and then I wanna meet you
just so I can see what I’m missing
and start listening to Usher sing
and have second thoughts
and leave the one I’m with
to start a new relationship with you


© Tenay 2/15/2008